there's something about heartbreak

one of the hardest things as a women, a girl and wise elder I will have to deal with is heart break.

so far, my responses are to cry , yell , analyze, sleep , eat and generally try to distract myself.

for me a broken heart seems to be one of the best things I am really good at mending - for other people.

I typically find it cathartic to run away when I am feeling upset, or frustrated. probably why I like running in general.

It has been harder for me to see a failure as a step in the right direction even if it took some bruises to figure that out - especially when it comes to love. I want to feel like  a feather when things go wrong, I want to feel like I am a feather that soars with each new gust of wind.

that's probably why I love birds so much. I find their ability to fly, continue with their busy work and sing each day at the top of their lungs inspiring.

with a flap, they can get away. maybe I should be a pilot?

I think this post is a ramble, I think I am meandering around how I really feel.

regardless, I am trying to figure out how to let go lately because that seems to take a stubborn kind of strength to do. it's hard, but accepting seems to be in the end easier than holding on to patterns that hurt.

maybe it is bad power dynamics that I am into, or maybe it is a feeling of perfecting something that doesn't quite work. or maybe, it is this weird fascination I have with falling hard and fast.

whatever it is, I hate it as much as I love it.

ps - I have been off facebook because of this strange sense of anxiety is produces for me. until I can deal I won't be back on for a while. email / tweet / text if you need me.