Saturday, July 20, 2013

i'm alive.

Since moving here (Calgary) I have been damn near overwhelmed by the support and generosity I have received both in and out of the City.

It means a lot to me that my friends, who I left in Hamilton still contact me and care about my well-being. Whether it is talking to be about finance (Kat), sending me letters, emails or just wondering what is up.

My friends in the City (specifically my favourite Adamson and her family) have been so kind to me, and it is rare that you find such warm people. My coworkers as well, and even the random people I meet on the street are so amazing. I got insurance advice while watching the fireworks at the Stampede. How cool is that?!

Calling my parents can be hard sometimes, because I wish I was with them. I often start crying when I am on the phone with them. It's hard, I love it here and I love them. My brother moved back to Hamilton, so I feel better about them and their well-being.

I think part of growing up is making hard decisions, I have had to make a few of those lately and they rack my brain. Every decision holds a 50% chance of failure, but that doesn't mean any wrong decision ends everything. You wake up , and you move on.

Finding peace and calm here has been surprisingly easy - most of my family and friends are a phone call away, and I just remind myself of where I have come from and how hard I worked to be here. I am 99% sure I will be back in the Hammer the first week of November. November is a crappy month, no offence to my November birthday friends, it will be nice to see my family then.

So far, this has been an amazing lesson in learning about the meaning of dreams coming true and dealing with the reality of that.

Side note - is it offensive to be wearing headphones at an open-mic? I kind of am right now...but I'm not listening to music. She's singing Adele I can't even deal *weeps*

If you are thinking of visiting Calgary please do - bring enough money for a rental car or sign up for Car2Go while you are here.

Until then

Sunday, April 28, 2013

there's something about heartbreak

one of the hardest things as a women, a girl and wise elder I will have to deal with is heart break.

so far, my responses are to cry , yell , analyze, sleep , eat and generally try to distract myself.

for me a broken heart seems to be one of the best things I am really good at mending - for other people.

I typically find it cathartic to run away when I am feeling upset, or frustrated. probably why I like running in general.

It has been harder for me to see a failure as a step in the right direction even if it took some bruises to figure that out - especially when it comes to love. I want to feel like  a feather when things go wrong, I want to feel like I am a feather that soars with each new gust of wind.

that's probably why I love birds so much. I find their ability to fly, continue with their busy work and sing each day at the top of their lungs inspiring.

with a flap, they can get away. maybe I should be a pilot?

I think this post is a ramble, I think I am meandering around how I really feel.

regardless, I am trying to figure out how to let go lately because that seems to take a stubborn kind of strength to do. it's hard, but accepting seems to be in the end easier than holding on to patterns that hurt.

maybe it is bad power dynamics that I am into, or maybe it is a feeling of perfecting something that doesn't quite work. or maybe, it is this weird fascination I have with falling hard and fast.

whatever it is, I hate it as much as I love it.

ps - I have been off facebook because of this strange sense of anxiety is produces for me. until I can deal I won't be back on for a while. email / tweet / text if you need me.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

what kind of parking lots do you hang out it in?

but seriously?

i was walking around where i live today and it dawned on me - parking lots are places that i have spent part of my adolescent and adult life in just waiting for people or things to happen.

parking lot culture is crude at times - lots of fighting, spitting and puking. it could be romantic too - plenty of making out and more than that happening in vans, trucks and convertibles.

it could be a place of business - i've seen a few exchanges of things illegal or not happen there.

more than anything, parking lots are fucking ugly. who has ever been to a parking lot that you are all 'wow what a glamorous place to park my car and have all of it's oil leak all over everything!'
well, if you have found it let me know. maybe it exists in vegas ?