accept your love

I think it is really hard to love yourself for all that you are.

The past 9 months have been an ongoing project and learning to love all the parts of me:
the intelligent part, my naivety, my religion, my face, my feet, my body, my laugh all the things i think are detractors are all things i need to find happiness in and love.

it is so hard to like all the parts of you at once, i haven't reached a place where i completely self love but i have taken steps to learn about what that looks like.


as this full moon comes upon us, i think this moon signifies a natural progression to self-love for me. i want to find that and share it with the people i love around me. part of my journey, really has been learning to pick and choose the people i care about the most. the ones that call me , and make plans to talk and call check in on me everyday (dad and mom!).

i'd like to take a moment to thank you all. i love you! from the bottom of my heart.

hey don't i know you?

i went to this event on sunday

pretty cool thing, basically went to a dudes apartment and talked to people i've never met.
a few things happend
1) i fell into infatuation (typical)
2) i exercised my intellectual side like crazy
3) i talked a lot - 3 hours straight (i know what you are thinking, obv you did that you talk so much anyway nes...i swear i listened and took breaths).

the event is centered around having cool people engage with one another which i can digg! i went with my pal pete, he is an excellent conversationalist if i say so myself.

i think i thrive in the realm of ideas. that is my one personality trait marker if you will...

the people i met were all educated,  well traveled...waspy.


at the end of it, we did an exit survey because they were recording and doing a study on the events and WSKEO in general. the survey asked one q- did you meet anyone for dating, friendship or sex? i got a little uncomfortable, but i answered yes.

is the point of all our interactions to see an end ? to meet a need? i wonder.

like do we just go into events like this, parties, coffee shop or work to meet our human need for companionship, physical touch or love? that's probably not true all the time, but i find myself before i go out wondering if i will make a friend or meet a dude. and i mean i am open to all of those things, all the time, but is that my goal? it's an interesting question.

anyway, if you are reading this , and you know me assume that i miss you.
write soon.

nes

i'm alive.

Since moving here (Calgary) I have been damn near overwhelmed by the support and generosity I have received both in and out of the City.

It means a lot to me that my friends, who I left in Hamilton still contact me and care about my well-being. Whether it is talking to be about finance (Kat), sending me letters, emails or just wondering what is up.

My friends in the City (specifically my favourite Adamson and her family) have been so kind to me, and it is rare that you find such warm people. My coworkers as well, and even the random people I meet on the street are so amazing. I got insurance advice while watching the fireworks at the Stampede. How cool is that?!

Calling my parents can be hard sometimes, because I wish I was with them. I often start crying when I am on the phone with them. It's hard, I love it here and I love them. My brother moved back to Hamilton, so I feel better about them and their well-being.

I think part of growing up is making hard decisions, I have had to make a few of those lately and they rack my brain. Every decision holds a 50% chance of failure, but that doesn't mean any wrong decision ends everything. You wake up , and you move on.

Finding peace and calm here has been surprisingly easy - most of my family and friends are a phone call away, and I just remind myself of where I have come from and how hard I worked to be here. I am 99% sure I will be back in the Hammer the first week of November. November is a crappy month, no offence to my November birthday friends, it will be nice to see my family then.

So far, this has been an amazing lesson in learning about the meaning of dreams coming true and dealing with the reality of that.

Side note - is it offensive to be wearing headphones at an open-mic? I kind of am right now...but I'm not listening to music. She's singing Adele I can't even deal *weeps*

If you are thinking of visiting Calgary please do - bring enough money for a rental car or sign up for Car2Go while you are here.

Until then
Bean
 

there's something about heartbreak

one of the hardest things as a women, a girl and wise elder I will have to deal with is heart break.

so far, my responses are to cry , yell , analyze, sleep , eat and generally try to distract myself.

for me a broken heart seems to be one of the best things I am really good at mending - for other people.

I typically find it cathartic to run away when I am feeling upset, or frustrated. probably why I like running in general.

It has been harder for me to see a failure as a step in the right direction even if it took some bruises to figure that out - especially when it comes to love. I want to feel like  a feather when things go wrong, I want to feel like I am a feather that soars with each new gust of wind.

that's probably why I love birds so much. I find their ability to fly, continue with their busy work and sing each day at the top of their lungs inspiring.

with a flap, they can get away. maybe I should be a pilot?

I think this post is a ramble, I think I am meandering around how I really feel.

regardless, I am trying to figure out how to let go lately because that seems to take a stubborn kind of strength to do. it's hard, but accepting seems to be in the end easier than holding on to patterns that hurt.

maybe it is bad power dynamics that I am into, or maybe it is a feeling of perfecting something that doesn't quite work. or maybe, it is this weird fascination I have with falling hard and fast.

whatever it is, I hate it as much as I love it.

ps - I have been off facebook because of this strange sense of anxiety is produces for me. until I can deal I won't be back on for a while. email / tweet / text if you need me.

what kind of parking lots do you hang out it in?

but seriously?

i was walking around where i live today and it dawned on me - parking lots are places that i have spent part of my adolescent and adult life in just waiting for people or things to happen.

parking lot culture is crude at times - lots of fighting, spitting and puking. it could be romantic too - plenty of making out and more than that happening in vans, trucks and convertibles.

it could be a place of business - i've seen a few exchanges of things illegal or not happen there.

more than anything, parking lots are fucking ugly. who has ever been to a parking lot that you are all 'wow what a glamorous place to park my car and have all of it's oil leak all over everything!'
well, if you have found it let me know. maybe it exists in vegas ?

the oddness

sometimes i think the most attractive thing about someone is how fundamentally weird they are. just because i don't know them and there is something really cool about what makes someone abnormal. maybe it's because i've categorized myself that way for the majority of life. or that people have also categorized me that way. i'd say i present as fairly abnormal. i don't blend well into groups, i most always have to stand out like it's a compulsion. it's because i talk loud, i'm a bit taller than most ladies , i need to ask question, and i always need to be at the center of the action. but i really hate driving a car.

in a vehicle i'd rather someone else knew the route and took the wheel; while i napped, daydreamed or stargazed.

it'd be nice to figure out one day what's so attractive about me , so i can tell people if they ask me that question with a thoroughly formulated answer like: 'well statistically it's my...' or i could start consuming radium and glow like burns. not that that's a bad look or anything.

for sylvia