where do i fall

in between here , and that and this. sometimes i meander.

i am principled, flexible, idealistic, stubborn and forgiving to a fault.

where do i go?

comfortable contradiction

i went for a walk today along the bow river pathway that shoulders memorial dr.
it was lovely, warm and the sun was just entering its last phase of setting.
all kinds of people were out, walking, running, slouched over, smiling, etc.

as i sauntered through the 10th street pedestrian underpass, i crossed the path of 2 young men. high. one of them was hugging a boom box to his hear to listen to the music that was pumping out of it as he danced/stumbled. the other turned to me and said joyously 'exercising?' ... i turned back and said 'that's right!'.

2 wayward, unkempt gentleman perhaps deep in a trance to numb something no one can fathom.

but as soon as i walk past them, and turn my gaze toward the river i am enchanted by how fast the water is moving, the different sounds of wooshing and wooring of the water. as well, the tall, sometime ominous well-lit towers that block out the stars.

it's this stark contradiction that is in part modern city life, in part a function of calgary's economy and in part just how beautiful and painful life is.

when i was 15 i started an online poetry blog profile with the username 'SweetPain'. it's weird reading it now, the poems i wrote and the screen name just sounds super s&m'ish but I digress. Maybe at 15, i was just as enchanted by the idea of contradiction as i am now.

i have always been trying to make out my own path and do my own thing. whether it be in a weird, unique or whatever where. i'm a walking contradiction. i am raised this way, so i should say these things but no...I don't want to do that or this. (if you know me i think you get what i am saying? maybe?)

but i think that's why i like most in others, what makes them so unlike what i would expect. because it helps me, understand how judgmental i am. it helps me understand how society has nurtured me so to think this way or that way or someone. it's taught me to love people, for all of that weird shit that they do.

i wouldn't say it makes me forgiving, i would say it makes me insanely curious and sometimes overly patient with someone. i think to myself - 'no! they have to be nice/they can't be an asshole'. and most of the time i am right. i end up finding those other-sides,  that most are too impatient to find. it has , and does drive me to madness. the times i am not right, i am sick over wondering what i could have said or done, or explained or given to just make them wanna be cool with me. this, i think i need to forgive myself for a little more for that.

what makes you a walking contradiction?

running

today i was so brain dead from my week, i sunned on a parking-lot embankment as the cars went buy waiting for my car to get serviced. a total of 5 hours of waiting, and my lovely little CC has been fixed and tire-changed.

sometimes i worry i am getting less patient, that my ability to forgive is lessening and that in general i am becoming less good. more jaded by humanity or something.

but, as most worries go, it is pretty unfounded. i've found a way to forgive someone who hurt me, to love more people and to try to start all over again, and again.

some days are harder than others to forget all the words in your head, and just breath, just be wherever you are. intention, is important, and i try to find out what my honest intention is with how i engage with people, or pursue goals in order to get a strong sense of why i need to do something, or talk to someone or even think so hard. then you just let it be.

when you can be just 'there' just so present, just so alive then you are like hey look - the sun is setting on another day in this city, it's warm, and everything glistens-good.

i'm still reading on the road, and it seems that Sal & Dean have lots of conversations about 'deciding everything' , having all-the-things decided and so sure yet only to fall to the peril of their own foolishness, addictions and ailments. Their combined 'madness' is entertaining, and you start to feel frustrated like the 'girls' are frustrated with them. i suppose we all have times in our lives where we are just running, bouncing and hurting without knowing where to land but we have some vague idea that a dream is going to find us.

right now i love valerie june, and hozier. two soulful singers who seem to give each note a certain personality and a certain shade of wonder.

this post is vague, and i didn't mean it to go anywhere. i don't feel like i am running from or to anything right now, like i used to. is this content? 

accept your love

I think it is really hard to love yourself for all that you are.

The past 9 months have been an ongoing project and learning to love all the parts of me:
the intelligent part, my naivety, my religion, my face, my feet, my body, my laugh all the things i think are detractors are all things i need to find happiness in and love.

it is so hard to like all the parts of you at once, i haven't reached a place where i completely self love but i have taken steps to learn about what that looks like.


as this full moon comes upon us, i think this moon signifies a natural progression to self-love for me. i want to find that and share it with the people i love around me. part of my journey, really has been learning to pick and choose the people i care about the most. the ones that call me , and make plans to talk and call check in on me everyday (dad and mom!).

i'd like to take a moment to thank you all. i love you! from the bottom of my heart.

hey don't i know you?

i went to this event on sunday

pretty cool thing, basically went to a dudes apartment and talked to people i've never met.
a few things happend
1) i fell into infatuation (typical)
2) i exercised my intellectual side like crazy
3) i talked a lot - 3 hours straight (i know what you are thinking, obv you did that you talk so much anyway nes...i swear i listened and took breaths).

the event is centered around having cool people engage with one another which i can digg! i went with my pal pete, he is an excellent conversationalist if i say so myself.

i think i thrive in the realm of ideas. that is my one personality trait marker if you will...

the people i met were all educated,  well traveled...waspy.


at the end of it, we did an exit survey because they were recording and doing a study on the events and WSKEO in general. the survey asked one q- did you meet anyone for dating, friendship or sex? i got a little uncomfortable, but i answered yes.

is the point of all our interactions to see an end ? to meet a need? i wonder.

like do we just go into events like this, parties, coffee shop or work to meet our human need for companionship, physical touch or love? that's probably not true all the time, but i find myself before i go out wondering if i will make a friend or meet a dude. and i mean i am open to all of those things, all the time, but is that my goal? it's an interesting question.

anyway, if you are reading this , and you know me assume that i miss you.
write soon.

nes

i'm alive.

Since moving here (Calgary) I have been damn near overwhelmed by the support and generosity I have received both in and out of the City.

It means a lot to me that my friends, who I left in Hamilton still contact me and care about my well-being. Whether it is talking to be about finance (Kat), sending me letters, emails or just wondering what is up.

My friends in the City (specifically my favourite Adamson and her family) have been so kind to me, and it is rare that you find such warm people. My coworkers as well, and even the random people I meet on the street are so amazing. I got insurance advice while watching the fireworks at the Stampede. How cool is that?!

Calling my parents can be hard sometimes, because I wish I was with them. I often start crying when I am on the phone with them. It's hard, I love it here and I love them. My brother moved back to Hamilton, so I feel better about them and their well-being.

I think part of growing up is making hard decisions, I have had to make a few of those lately and they rack my brain. Every decision holds a 50% chance of failure, but that doesn't mean any wrong decision ends everything. You wake up , and you move on.

Finding peace and calm here has been surprisingly easy - most of my family and friends are a phone call away, and I just remind myself of where I have come from and how hard I worked to be here. I am 99% sure I will be back in the Hammer the first week of November. November is a crappy month, no offence to my November birthday friends, it will be nice to see my family then.

So far, this has been an amazing lesson in learning about the meaning of dreams coming true and dealing with the reality of that.

Side note - is it offensive to be wearing headphones at an open-mic? I kind of am right now...but I'm not listening to music. She's singing Adele I can't even deal *weeps*

If you are thinking of visiting Calgary please do - bring enough money for a rental car or sign up for Car2Go while you are here.

Until then
Bean
 

there's something about heartbreak

one of the hardest things as a women, a girl and wise elder I will have to deal with is heart break.

so far, my responses are to cry , yell , analyze, sleep , eat and generally try to distract myself.

for me a broken heart seems to be one of the best things I am really good at mending - for other people.

I typically find it cathartic to run away when I am feeling upset, or frustrated. probably why I like running in general.

It has been harder for me to see a failure as a step in the right direction even if it took some bruises to figure that out - especially when it comes to love. I want to feel like  a feather when things go wrong, I want to feel like I am a feather that soars with each new gust of wind.

that's probably why I love birds so much. I find their ability to fly, continue with their busy work and sing each day at the top of their lungs inspiring.

with a flap, they can get away. maybe I should be a pilot?

I think this post is a ramble, I think I am meandering around how I really feel.

regardless, I am trying to figure out how to let go lately because that seems to take a stubborn kind of strength to do. it's hard, but accepting seems to be in the end easier than holding on to patterns that hurt.

maybe it is bad power dynamics that I am into, or maybe it is a feeling of perfecting something that doesn't quite work. or maybe, it is this weird fascination I have with falling hard and fast.

whatever it is, I hate it as much as I love it.

ps - I have been off facebook because of this strange sense of anxiety is produces for me. until I can deal I won't be back on for a while. email / tweet / text if you need me.